Thriving or Surviving: what does science tell us about teenage happiness?

IN THIS ARTICLE:

✅ Find out the #1 barrier to happiness & wellbeing in teens

✅ Discover how positive psychology is helping parents to raise happier kids

✅ Learn how to build on the strengths of your child

✅ Find out the 4 easy steps to improve wellbeing for any teen

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Most parents and educators will say that they just want their kids to be happy. But how do we enable them to be happy? Is it simply protecting them from negative emotions and avoiding mental illness, or can we discover ways to help them bounce back from disappointment, grow through their challenges, and discover ways to thrive and flourish?

A new and growing area of psychology is helping us understand what makes people flourish and it turns out there are very practical and proven ways we can improve the happiness and wellbeing of our children.

Positive Psychology – the study of what makes a person flourish

Until recently, the field of psychology has largely concentrated on human suffering and the causes and symptoms of mental illness. This focus is known as the deficit or disease model and was limited to studying what’s wrong with people and how to make them better. In recent years, the research area of Positive Psychology (PP) has emerged and grown rapidly as people seek not only to avoid pain and mend our disorders and brokenness, but to understand what makes a person grow, flourish, excel and be happy (Seligman & Csikszentmihalyi, 2000). Often referred to as the science of wellbeing, Positive Psychology studies human thoughts, feelings, and behaviour, with a focus on strengths instead of weaknesses, building the good in life instead of repairing the bad, and taking the lives of average people up to “great” instead of focusing solely on moving those who are struggling up to “normal” (Peterson, 2008).

Why is this positive approach so important?

From a young age, we develop a tendency to overlook the good in life and zone in on the bad. Our human brain’s are hardwired to elevate negative experiences more than the positive ones (Baumeister, 2000). I remember getting nine out of ten in one of my earliest spelling tests, but instead of celebrating the nine wins, I couldn’t stop thinking about the one mistake. This happens often for our kids where they tend to:

• Focus more on what they’re missing out on than celebrating what they’ve got;
• Worry more about potential bad outcomes than have condence and hope in a good one;
• Hold onto insults and criticism more than praise and encouragement.

This mental reflex is known as a “negativity bias” and it affects both adults and children alike.

As parents, we tend to zone in on the problems, poor behaviours, areas of low performance and weaknesses of our kids. They too are quick to notice their own faults, particularly in the adolescent years, often comparing themselves to others and feeling like they don’t measure up in some way. Most parents that I work with are worried about the trends of anxiety and depression in young people (Wilkins et al., 2021) and want to know if there are skills, tools and interventions that can reverse these mental traps and build a healthy sense of wellbeing in our children.

That’s what positive psychology does: it provides us with research and strategies in how we can help our kids flourish.

“That’s what positive psychology does:
it provides us with research and strategies in how we can help our kids flourish.”

What are the building blocks of wellbeing?

Martin Seligman developed one of the most recognised models of wellbeing, designed to understand the components that could help a person ourish and be happy. The PERMA model stands for:

Positive Emotions:

Includes gratitude, hope, joy, love, compassion, pride and peace. These can be learned or cultivated to improve wellbeing (Fredrickson, 2001).

Engagement:

Is about being completely absorbed in an activity. Csikszentmihalyi, a Seligman contemporary, studied people who find a state of “flow” when the perfect combination of challenge and skill/strength is found (Csikszentmihalyi & LeFevre, 1989). We see this when children are building Lego or a teenager is playing representative sport – they are fully alive and in the moment.

Relationships:

Are about feeling supported, loved, and valued by others. Ed Diener was a core contributor to the study of subjective wellbeing, and notes that although wellbeing may be different for everyone (subjective), one common thread among highly happy people is that they have rich and satisfying social relationships and spend little time alone relative to average people (Diener & Seligman, 2002, p.83).

Meaning:

Meaning is having a sense of purpose and/or serving something greater than ourselves. Wellbeing may be enhanced when we are contributing to others and feel good about our efforts.

Accomplishment:

Accomplishment involves mastering an endeavour and working toward goals. For kids, this can be experienced in physical triumphs, like a fitness goal or sporting accomplishment; academic achievements, like getting a good test result or finishing an artwork; or even mastering a difficult challenge, like the Rubik’s cube or a piece on the piano.

Other wellbeing models and additional PERMA components have been suggested over time (Donaldson et al., 2022), and Seligman is the first to admit this is not the only way to understand wellbeing. However, he does note that when we help children grow in each of these areas, they are likely to experience higher levels of overall happiness and satisfaction (Seligman, 2012).

What do the critics say – self-help or genuine science?

Some of the critics of positive psychology have suggested that this isn’t really a true science and that it’s just a bunch of self- help that ignores the reality of negative emotions and experiences (Wong, 2011). I wondered if this was a common perception, so I asked other parents what they knew about positive psychology. Most thought it was about “being happy” or “feeling good” but had very little knowledge of the science of wellbeing. One parent was quite antagonistic, insisting that, “you can’t just ignore bad things and focus on the good. Problems are real.”

Such criticism has given rise to a second wave of positive psychology research that seeks to understand the full range of human emotions and how some negative emotions (like regret, grief, discontent) can lead to growth and wellbeing (Lomas & Ivtzan, 2016).

In recent years, positive psychology has embraced this dual-lens and is not denying one’s weakness or hiding away from problems but offers a different perspective on resources and the strengths each person has to tackle those problems. Wong (2011) suggests that the emerging story of PP is about how to bring out the best in people through good and bad times, in spite of their internal and external limitations.